Posts from the ‘Life’ Category

Seasons Change………….

I wanted to speak on the final chapter of our “shit”. But I decided that acknowledging you and the BS you pulled was not the route I wanted to take, considering you would get a kick out of the attention as well as knowing you hurt me…again. I was raised with “everyone deserves a 2nd chance” but you have gotten about 5 chances and you still haven’t learned shit. I whole heartedly believed you, again, last weekend. You were so sincere, eye contact was in full affect, and it felt so right. Being with you felt right. Key word being felt, past tense. The ache I felt in my chest the following day, when I realized it was all lies and you stood me up..again..is indescribable. I would never want anyone to experience that, its one of the worst emotions to feel..rejection, deceit, just plain ugliness reared its ass back into my life, on my doorstep, in my heart, infront of my eyes. Your lack of communication and conscious shows me that you are hiding something, and you are too stupid to accept that honesty is the best policy and fess up. I refuse to be a doormat, that is why you will be ringing a dead doorbell. I refuse to sit around for another year waiting for you to follow through with your promises and make us happen. I refuse to be yours when its convenient for you. I refuse to watch amazing men walk past me day in and day out because I am afraid of missing the opportunity with you, if you ever so happen to man up and do as you say. That night, before I feel asleep ..I promised myself I will no longer be here for you. I will not accept your calls, texts, IMs, emails, etc unless you are sincerily apologizing and honestly telling me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing BUT the truth. I will go out with whoever dares to ask me on a date, I will put you to the side, out of sight-out of mind. I will be fine, and most importantly I will be better without you around.

Signed..Sealed..Delivered…

I’m not yours.

upside down causes me to think right side UP

I want to own a home* I want to have some space in my yard where I can put my green thumb to use and plant a garden-flowers, herbs, fruits & vegetables I want to have a room other than my bedroom where I can paint, write, draw, sew, dream-bE’s private OASIS* I want to give more and contribute to my community, especially in youth services* I want to meet new friends, artsy types, who are creative, constantly thinking and doing…people who uplift you by just being around them. I love positive energy and people who challenge me to always wonder…why* I want to keep on forgiving people who have made mistakes and done wrong…a life with forgiveness is a life of minimal regrets..as long as I know my intentions are never ill, I will continue to grow*

***THIS is a perfect example of my randomness. But isn’t this what blogging is all about? You can be completely random and outlandish, as long as your true to self?? I feel like this whole blogging thing has done wonders for me. Even if I am just releasing nothing thats really important…*(depending on who you ask)*…

…hopefully tomorrow I will have something with more substance…

**My Nana is having open heart surgery this week. We found this out yesterday, and she is extremely lucky that they found it when they did. Her heart is 95% CLOGGED. At 79 she is pulling through like the strong woman she has always been. I am not going to pretend like I am not shaken up and worried beyond belief..but I can only imagine how she must feel so I have to suck it up and be strong for both my Mother & Nana. I will have an update soon, I just am all mixed up and need time to focus on family.

Til then…I will continue to keep it realer than most…

`bE

Forgive & …………

(Post was written 3rd week of March 2010, forgot to publish—ride with me ppl)

“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” –Martin Luther King Jr.

So as I am laying here ready to get some well deserved beauty sleep, I can’t help myself from thinking about everything that’s been going on lately. I had an ‘epiphany’ to say the least at work today. I have been debating back & fourth for a few days about whether or not I want to have relations (friendship/civil) with Flow. I got to thinking about forgiveness, on more than one occasion I have asked him for said forgiveness, & he has done with no questions asked. I decide that I am at a pivotal place in my life & in order to have a more positive journey I need to forgive as easily (remembering not to forget) as I expect to be forgiven.

Flow has always been very verbal with letting me know of the areas I can improve. & at the time I didn’t accept his outlook or even give it any thought. Today, I went over the constructive criticism he has given me in the past and I realize I do have a lot of pride, I am an extremist, I tend to count my chickens before they hatch & overreact for no reason other than I’m not in control and it scares me.

So, after all this I decide to send him a text, he did take the initiative to contact me when he was in town, and I feel like we can have an actual conversation now that I am no longer holding resentment towards him because of whatever. “Hey got your text the other day, my bad for taking so long to respond..just been busy..what’s good?”…he responds saying he has been busy as well and to hit him up when my schedule permits. He was @ work & unable to have a convo so he asks if its okay he calls me later, I agree and that was that.

He called me later that night & there was no talk about this that & the third. It was a genuine conversation about what was going on in each of our lives & I miss it. I miss his suggestions, life experiences, & overall upbeat & positive outlook on almost everything. For the time I’ve known him he has been a ‘glass half full’ type of man. We talked for longer than I should have, I do have work in the morning & have to be on my A game, but I’m glad we spoke, & hope we can have more genuine conversations like this. The way it was tonight should be how it is all the time. I would like his friendship, above all else. Things got messy when I had my heart set on US being a certain way (mainly in part of his promises of what WE were going to BE).

Even though he has said on numerous occasions “men & women can’t be just friends”.**** We’ll see how that pans out.

****Which I disagree wholeheartedly. 95% of my friends are Men and we keep it strictly platonic.

:chanGe>progRess>mOvement>groWth:

The title, change-progress-movement-growth speaks volumes for me.  I apply it to my life for the best, especially when a negative situation arises, or I’m let down about something.  With change comes progression, progression causes movements, which eventually lead to growth.  At this stage in the game, all I hope for is continued growth. =)

The interactions I’ve had lately with men (minus the 1’s I had the pleasure of meeting in Miami Hehe)  have been lack luster. No one is brand new or even remotely interesting but I guess it goes to show you, in order to get what you never had, you have to do what you never did. So, time to switch it up…..just not sure how to???

Well the first step will be some good ol’ ME time. I am going on a hiatus & do all the things I enjoy doing, finish organizing all my papers, get my financials in order, go to church on a regular basis & maybe just relax @ a coffee spot & read a book.  Whatever my heart desires I will try and make it happen.  I just have so many interests and feel like I can touch on anything as long as I properly plan it out (if you know me, you know I’m quite the “everywhere” type of gal.  Hard for me to focus on one thing–I believe some call that having A.D.D.). 

My New Years resolution was to not settle and,  3 months into 2010, I think I’ve done a pretty good job with keeping my word.  I haven’t seen Flow since my bday( Flow is someone I fell in DEEP like with, just totally swept me off my feet. Told me everything I always wanted to hear. We clicked on a level I have never experienced, & I honestly thought it was going to be “something”..but as quickly as it started, it was over).; we have had a few conversations that didn’t make me feel better about anything but more so confirmed what I was trying so hard not to believe-he’s a 5 star asshole when your dating him.  But I did make the mistake of giving in & speaking to him when I said I wouldn’t: before my vacation. Then one night I had too much to drink I started texting him asking for him 2 come & see me. Maybe it was the liquor or seeing couples together sharing memories, whatever it was, it triggered a false hope. I decided to just enjoy my vacation. The last night I was there he sent me a lovely IM. “Hey, I was just thinking about you & wanted to see how your vacation was going, maybe you can just change plans…etc”.  His effort made me swoon. I started to have some hope(maybe that was the Patron?).  Whatever. I gave in, and of course he went on to question if the men I was chilling with were more than acquaintances & if I was possibly hooking up with them. For him to even possess those thoughts WHILE I was expressing my want to see him, reiterated all that I already knew: he doesn’t know me or even care to GET to know me. He never replied that night when I confirmed I would go see him. He never hit me up period. I wrote to him & said “You never replied” he responded with “regarding??”…I just said “nevermind” and I haven’t heard from him since. I have summed it up to when he is bored he decides to inquire about me. He wants me to want him and at the same time he doesnt want to want me. He has no intentions for an honest & reliable relationship & I am fine with that, now. He is much better at being a distant friend, who texts once a month saying hello & how are you.

We accept what we internally feel we deserve, I know I don’t deserve any of the half assed attention Flow shows me, & my fabulous family &  friends have confirmed that on many occasions.  Now its time I believe it. So without further a due, Flow..its time for you to go. =)

“So your doing better now everybody comes around but u don’t really need em cus your stronger & your better & your ready for whatever saying…oooooohhh what til you see my smile” 🙂  — The always inspiring , Miss Alicia Keys

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UPDATE: Saturday 3/13/10

So I got woken up @ 10am by phone calls from Flow–its been a few days, wonder why he’s even bothering?? Oh that’s right..boredom..LOL. I am feeling a little under the weather this morning, catching a cold or something.  So I am really not in the mood to entertain half assed attempts to get into bE.  I am going to enjoy my weekend & pretend that phone call was a wrong number.  I have seen the light people, & it has brightened up my direction!!

Enough with the all over writing, just had to get this off my chest, in a random, un-structured way.

Stay progressing y’all. xox
-bE