The title, change-progress-movement-growth speaks volumes for me.  I apply it to my life for the best, especially when a negative situation arises, or I’m let down about something.  With change comes progression, progression causes movements, which eventually lead to growth.  At this stage in the game, all I hope for is continued growth. =)

The interactions I’ve had lately with men (minus the 1’s I had the pleasure of meeting in Miami Hehe)  have been lack luster. No one is brand new or even remotely interesting but I guess it goes to show you, in order to get what you never had, you have to do what you never did. So, time to switch it up…..just not sure how to???

Well the first step will be some good ol’ ME time. I am going on a hiatus & do all the things I enjoy doing, finish organizing all my papers, get my financials in order, go to church on a regular basis & maybe just relax @ a coffee spot & read a book.  Whatever my heart desires I will try and make it happen.  I just have so many interests and feel like I can touch on anything as long as I properly plan it out (if you know me, you know I’m quite the “everywhere” type of gal.  Hard for me to focus on one thing–I believe some call that having A.D.D.). 

My New Years resolution was to not settle and,  3 months into 2010, I think I’ve done a pretty good job with keeping my word.  I haven’t seen Flow since my bday( Flow is someone I fell in DEEP like with, just totally swept me off my feet. Told me everything I always wanted to hear. We clicked on a level I have never experienced, & I honestly thought it was going to be “something”..but as quickly as it started, it was over).; we have had a few conversations that didn’t make me feel better about anything but more so confirmed what I was trying so hard not to believe-he’s a 5 star asshole when your dating him.  But I did make the mistake of giving in & speaking to him when I said I wouldn’t: before my vacation. Then one night I had too much to drink I started texting him asking for him 2 come & see me. Maybe it was the liquor or seeing couples together sharing memories, whatever it was, it triggered a false hope. I decided to just enjoy my vacation. The last night I was there he sent me a lovely IM. “Hey, I was just thinking about you & wanted to see how your vacation was going, maybe you can just change plans…etc”.  His effort made me swoon. I started to have some hope(maybe that was the Patron?).  Whatever. I gave in, and of course he went on to question if the men I was chilling with were more than acquaintances & if I was possibly hooking up with them. For him to even possess those thoughts WHILE I was expressing my want to see him, reiterated all that I already knew: he doesn’t know me or even care to GET to know me. He never replied that night when I confirmed I would go see him. He never hit me up period. I wrote to him & said “You never replied” he responded with “regarding??”…I just said “nevermind” and I haven’t heard from him since. I have summed it up to when he is bored he decides to inquire about me. He wants me to want him and at the same time he doesnt want to want me. He has no intentions for an honest & reliable relationship & I am fine with that, now. He is much better at being a distant friend, who texts once a month saying hello & how are you.

We accept what we internally feel we deserve, I know I don’t deserve any of the half assed attention Flow shows me, & my fabulous family &  friends have confirmed that on many occasions.  Now its time I believe it. So without further a due, Flow..its time for you to go. =)

“So your doing better now everybody comes around but u don’t really need em cus your stronger & your better & your ready for whatever saying…oooooohhh what til you see my smile” 🙂  — The always inspiring , Miss Alicia Keys

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UPDATE: Saturday 3/13/10

So I got woken up @ 10am by phone calls from Flow–its been a few days, wonder why he’s even bothering?? Oh that’s right..boredom..LOL. I am feeling a little under the weather this morning, catching a cold or something.  So I am really not in the mood to entertain half assed attempts to get into bE.  I am going to enjoy my weekend & pretend that phone call was a wrong number.  I have seen the light people, & it has brightened up my direction!!

Enough with the all over writing, just had to get this off my chest, in a random, un-structured way.

Stay progressing y’all. xox
-bE

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